Escape. Flee. A desire to swim out of this exhausting body of water as fast as my arms will take me- to bask in the sun on the restful shore. To escape the responsibility. The weight. The things making it impossible to keep my head above water. For if i swim out- if indeed i do flee – then maybe, just maybe, i could actually breathe. In life. Once again Rest.

At the same time, loving. With all that is in me. Every piece of my heart- tied to the ones entrusted to my care.

This wrestling. Questioning. Am i truly a Christ follower if it appears His Strength is not enough?? To tread these waters with me. To lean into Him. Shouldn’t He be enough? To lift the weight dragging me under, so i can surface and catch my breath.

My witness should be strong- for others to see the challenges. Yet clearly see my pointing back to Jesus as the source of strength. To proceed with grace. Perseverance unexplained by worldly measure.

Yet here i am again. Overwhelmed by the never ending struggle. i’m tired. Exhausted really….After all, i’ve been treading here for so long. Endurance well built over time. But it’s the unexpected wave that pushes me under. That challenge that couldn’t be foreseen. The One. More. Thing.

Arms flailing in a desperate attempt to surface. To feel the sun, warm my face. A deep desire to feel air fill my lungs completely. Anxiously searching for peace to calm my writhing spirit.

And then i hear it. Though faint. Holy Spirit whispering – that i must tune into Him. For the moments. This day. For tomorrow is too far off into the horizon. i must continually ask what will replenish me in the next hour. Minutes. To fill my depleted spirit. To help me resurface. What seems to be the most productive, may actually be what is adding to the weight. Causing my head once again to plummet beneath.

i will listen intently to Holy Spirit leading. To know which relationships to lean into. And the ones i must swim away from for a season- apathy and constant negativity, only adding to the weight. At the same time, i will swim towards, rest in those provided by my Creator as a refuge. Though few in number, these precious, long-suffering souls whom i have poured into are now pouring into me and i must allow it. i must receive the gift. For their life-speaking words of encouragement help lift the weight. It is not a substitute for leaning into God, but is part of the provision He graciously provides.

Escape. Yes. i MUST escape. But not this ridiculously hard life that i call my own.

What i will escape from, is this notion that i can do this on my own. Any of it. And that i don’t need breaks. The lie that Satan uses to exhaust me into defeat. Dragging me underwater and stealing my ability to breathe. Leaving me drowning once again.

Instead of passively waiting for the whisper to be louder than the drowning, i will ask Holy Spirit what is next. i must listen every day, with intent. As i continue to tread these murky waters. Wherever Holy Spirit leads.

i must humble myself and ask for help. But am i still willing to be obedient when others will be inconvenienced? To share the responsibility. Believe this, my friend, by doing so, i will not be taking away their blessing. A truth still hard for me to accept.

i will be intentional to plan activities where i can feel soul renewing sunshine on my face. i will be still in His Presence. To soak in the moments of worship. i will seek out the things i am thankful for today. i will escape through blessings only He can provide as i swim back to the surface. Releasing the weight to His Trustworthy arms. Taking in soul renewing breaths. I will escape the drowning with a renewed appreciation for this life He has graciously entrusted me with. Fully breathing in the restoration provided by His Care.

If you didn’t see it before, i hope you clearly see now. We are in this together.

Much Love,

TyiaLynn

Executive Director