This courtyard is one i have visited frequently, for as many years as it has existed. Only six minutes separate me from this collection of sunshine as i venture from my daughter’s hospital room and is a space i soak in often.  At first glance, this time of year appears to lack beauty to behold.  Life seemingly to be nonexistent. Beauty put on pause, lingering from the harshness of winter.  However, upon closer examination. From a different angle. Through a new filter. There is indeed much beauty here and i need only to zoom in.  Change my perspective.  Be intentional to seek it out.  

Though lack of professional training may make these captured moments only be appreciated by me, i can still enjoy the process – basking in the sun to warm my skin. Taking in renewing breaths. Allowing creativity shift negative thinking into thankfulness. Beholding the Beauty.

Peering through this lens, my current situation begs the question – does beauty also exist here? There is nothing in this world worse than watching my child suffer – this phrase escapes my lips often and is a truth i have stood by for the past 21 years. Absolutely nothing even comes close… to be in the trenches next to her as she begs for relief. Meeting her every need in an effort to make her as comfortable as possible. Wishing with every ounce of my being i could trade places with her. Holding her hair back at 2am. Again. Placing cool washrags to help ease her suffering. Watching someone else’s blood drip into her scarred veins. Tending to new incisions created just days ago. Pain beyond what most will know in a lifetime, experienced by my child in a few short weeks. So here. In this place. Does beauty also dwell?  At THIS time. Among THIS suffering. Is there beauty amid these ashes of heart ache? It is a question i have pondered often.

When beauty is hidden. Behind the smog of trauma. Pain. Weeping. Anger. A deep aching of wanting things to be different. My child to be made well. Whole.      That is when i must search for beauty all the more. To ask for help from those who can see more clearly than i – those just far enough outside to not hear the cries for relief.  i must lean into those precious souls provided by my Creator – to hold me up. Guide me to peace. Point me back to the goodness of Jesus.

To answer the illusive question – does beauty always exist? The answer is a resounding yes. Though it may whisper. And the search for it to be revealed may span over days.  It is present in your life. In my life. In the hardest situations no matter how bleak it currently appears to my limited sight. i will search for the beauty endlessly. i will seek beautiful purpose while enduring the pain; not just after the season has ceased to exist. For if i wait for the time of rest to come, i will miss much opportunity. To see the goodness of our Creator. Of those around me. Of no other way for my character to be built. While i refuse to be thankful for this ridiculously hard situation, i must be thankful IN it. For it is the only way to acquire peace. To pivot my heart away from anger.  For anger cannot be contained and will inevitably spill onto the one entrusted to my care. And that, my friend, will just not do. i refuse to heap more burden onto my child, the one who already suffers beyond what most can imagine.

Tomorrow’s beauty is too far to gaze, so i must focus on what this day holds. Sunshine to be enjoyed for a few moments. Warmth.  A very small improvement in my child. Compassion built through these experiences that leads me to help others. A way to provide for my family that can be completed from any location, including a hospital room. Five times of answering the phone yesterday with my Love on the other end. A text from close friends checking on this momma’s heart. Sister friends who not only pray for me, but with me. Knowing my youngest is cared for while i am away. All things i can take for granted. Or i can see for the beauty that exists in each one. Though some days, my ability to do this well outweighs others –  today, i choose to see the beauty. i will dwell in it’s peace and allow it’s glow to be what overflows on my child.

If you didn’t see it before, i hope you clearly do now, we are in this together.

Much Love, TyiaLynn

Executive Director