Here.   Right here. In the dirt. In the hard. Amid the soul writhing and wrestling; Right in the middle of the angst and unspeakable pain. Here in the questions; even as they are escaping my lips – and let us not forget – the doubt.  This is where it happens. That is, if we allow it.  This is where our pain meets purpose and where purpose produces beauty.  This “character building” that i often request our Creator to provide a season of respite from. So i can breathe, regroup, reenergize for the next fight. i scream out, “God, teach me what you want me to learn so WE CAN MOVE ON! Show me why YOU are allowing this.  All of this. For. So. Long. And WHY are You allowing this at all? Why does my child have to suffer? When i know YOU could just think it, and she would be made well!!  i have prayed.  i have touched the hem of Your Garment. i have petitioned.  I HAVE BELIEVED. i know You are able, more than able, for i have seen the miracles. i saw YOU heal her in my womb. Why bring her though the fire only to allow her to be burned again. and again. and again…..”

But Here. Right here. Caked in mud – dirt mixed with my sweat from the writhing. Ragged and torn.  Is also where He meets me. 

Medical decisions when made on behalf of your child bear an impossible weight. And i almost crumble. Those decisions carry effects that will reach beyond the day; into their future – maybe.  That is, if you chose wisely and they have a future at all… But these decisions must be made, at times in a moment’s notice. So the question becomes, am i making choices for her comfort or for her future?  Many times, she cannot have both; and the pain of that extends beyond her body and pierces straight into my already raw, overwhelmed heart. It’s a teetering challenge to balance quality of life verses added days. When she cries out begging for relief in a time when i must hold out for her protection, for her future. i must tell her a gut wrenching, soul crushing “no”. Because my love for her extends past the pain of today. 

As the words i speak to my child makes the journey to my own ears, i can feel Holy Spirit stir. The words i have spoken to my child countless times are resounding a message from my Creator as He speaks to my heart.

When i am in the midst of the pain, when i beg for relief from my Creator, that is when i must trust that what He is allowing, He will use for good.  Just as i with my own child, God sees past my comfort and into my future. HE is providing purpose in the pain. In the same way i strive to meet my child’s needs, to comfort her after i have made the hard decision – so my Papa God extends the same to me.  Here is where i get to crawl up in His lap.  Here, this place, is where He meets me. Comforts me and extends grace i certainly didn’t earn.  HE takes my anger, My yelling. My brokenness. For pain is not heaped into the trash and taken out to the curb when it has run its course. If we choose, that soul wrenching, debilitating pain can be used to provide not only growth in ourselves, but a catalyst to help others. And HERE is where the beauty is born.